Wednesday, January 01, 2014
The Scarf I Didn't Make
It's the first day of 2014. This is the day when people review all they accomplished in the previous year and all they want to accomplish in the upcoming year. But this post is about something I did not do in 2013 or 2012 either. On October 22, 2012, my husband of 30 years died. I posted a few thing about it (I think). I took apart a curtain panel I was working on for him. The last bit of 2012 and through 2013 was devoid of crochet activity. Yeah, I started a few things. I have one and a half of a pair of socks done. I have almost all of a scarf done. I have scads of books and magazines and of course the internet to encourage and inspire me. But crocheting was such a huge part of my life with Craig, I abandoned it. After all, it was part of our courtship. When I was home recuperating from surgery, in the beginning of our relationship, I crocheted a small lion for him. I knew he liked lions and I was a little apprehensive about giving a man a toy. But I thought what the heck and it turned out fine - despite the "sweater curse" ;) The scarf I didn't make was going to be for Craig. I picked out the yarn (Lion Brand Homespun, the creamy white color). Soft to the touch and beautiful, I looked forward to making this scarf for Craig. I had no pattern in mind, but I would let the yarn make the decision. I almost bought it about 8 days before he died. We were at an A.C. Moore's and I was admiring the Lion Brand display. I got hit by some sort of stomach bug and we left the store without me making the purchase. I thought it wasn't a big deal. I am at A.C. Moore often enough to get the yarn. And it was mid-October, so plenty of time to crochet a scarf. Sadly, I was terribly wrong. No warning, no signs and in the blink of an eye, he died. I was (and still am) devastated by the loss of my long time cheerleader. I couldn't crochet - after all, that's what I did sitting next to him on the sofa. It was part of our life together. Besides, I couldn't crochet. My hands seemed to forget what I needed to do. I was too exhausted from work - and not sleeping. I couldn't follow a pattern to save my life. I couldn't even make up a pattern. Even the simple single crochet seemed much too complex for me to do. I'd say I had crocheters block, but this was much deeper than that. This was grief, hard, wet and cold. Extremely slowly, I began to take tiny steps away from the grief. At over a year later.....well, I don't believe anybody "gets over" the grief of losing someone. But it isn't always front and center in my head now. It's not always the first thing on my mind when I wake up in the morning and the evenings don't always end with losing Craig being the last thought on my mind. It's been a long difficult walk. Luckily I had my sons (along with Friends and family) to help me along the way. I'd like to thank everyone for their patience and love during this time period. So I have begun crocheting more now. I intend to finish up the loose ends from 2012 before jumping into a new project. And although Craig would have never used the scarf unless it was extremely cold or windy out, I regret not crocheting it. I think about the making of it. I think about Craig wearing the scarf. And here I am. I have no great insight for anyone facing grief. I'm sure you have heard all of them and their various variations long before you read this little piece. Just every once in a while, linger with your loved ones a little longer with your loved ones. It will make a world of difference to them and to you.
Posted by Robin Fonner Andersen at 3:28 PM